Winter Bleakness must be getting to us...

"NO!  I was NOT born in an English phone booth!"--Emily

" I am trying to start a rumor. Shut up."--Keppy

"I think viewing one case of genital warts would cure you of any libido you might have for the rest of your life."--Lauryn

We are all the body of Christ.  Somebody's gotta be the asshole."--Robert

"Screwing is not good, especially from Professor Marsch."--Thomas

"I want to have your puppies."--Seth

"You can't say Lauryn's last name--it's against the lifestyle statement."--Rob

"Selch sounds like a German swear word."--Lauryn

"I'm like Farmer Barbie!  What the heck!"--Emily

"If I knew someone with their jaw wired shut, I'd make fun of them too."--Ryan

"They should have an interterm class on body percussion."--Jack

"Yeah, they should call it 'how to play with yourself.'"--Seth

"It's funny how nowadays people associate actress and actor with bitch and bastard."--Jeremy K.

"Was that before or after he got humped in the union?"--Beth

"What's her name?"--??

"Liar girl."--Thomas

"No, her real name."--?

"That is her real name.  She just disguised it with another."--Thomas

"God is not a piece of chicken."--Rob

"It's symbolism.  Whoever pees in the middle (stall) is like Christ.  I'm usually the Christ figure."--Jess

"It's sex or nothing."--Beth

"Dude, you can see his buns"--Thomas upon watching Matt S. in a cheeseburger costume.

"Women?  Where we're going, we don't need women!"--Joe

"The inflatable roommate would be really quiet and if you get ticked at him, you can punch him and watch him blow up."--Em

"Like me, only bouncy!"--Jack

"He deserves to look masculine, he just can't do it."--Dan

"A 1-piece jigsaw puzzle girl would be like you say hello to her and she jumps on top of you, and I haven't met a girl like that yet."--Eric

"Eric, you haven't said hello to me yet."--Amber

"Have you ever wondered how many rodents have crawled into J.J's hair and died?"--Trisha

"That was really well done--stupid movie."--Dan

"If you rebel against everything, you stand for nothing."--Emily H.

"The thing that you dislike about someone else is the thing you hate most about yourself."--Eric

"My problem is all the girls I've liked have turned anti-me."--Jeff

"The explanation for the breakdown in communication is as simple as this: A woman wanted to have ESP, and he thought she said ESPN."--Emily (paraphrasing Jeff)

"If you wet yourself, I might just have to take that as a compliment."--Lauryn

"I think we should petition to call the new building 'Norm Hall Hall'"--Eric

"Jack, then you will get your hand stuck in a tampon machine."--Cassie

"Chai is sex for the mouth"--Josh

"I'm actually honored that he thinks I would blow up the school for something as stupid as him."--Jack

"I thought of becoming homosexual so girls would like me."--Dan

"Is there a peeing section in the pool?"--Eric

"Don't turn the lights off!  Everyone will have sex!"--Lauryn

"Jesus wore depends, or at least the ancient day equivalent of."--Michael S. 

 

"Every good movie should have frogs, crack, and a random naked guy."--Jeff

"I just let the funk envelop me."--Thomas

And the craziness continued!

"My mom used to say, 'Josh, you carry so much weight in your head.'"--Josh A.

"I think I'm lactating Chocolate."--Eric

"I wish I could spank."--Wendi to Eric

"If your religion doesn't account for love, sex, and romantic notions, something that is so central to our human existence, your religion isn't worth a crock of shit."--Dr. Shaw

"I love it that he doesn't feel like an idiot."--Jenyne

"I'm convinced that it's squirrel meat.  Every Monday it seems there is a lesser population of them."--Jeff

"Why does everything taste like chicken?  Did God run out of ideas or something?"--Cassie

"God is an eighth note."--Doc Wilson

"It sounds like you're saying 'salivate with Jesus!'"--Lauren

"I hate people who overly exaggerate."--Lauren

"I think when we die, God is going to use this quote book to say why we are not going to get into Heaven."--Michael S.

"75% of all statistics are made up."--Rob

"I'm gonna create some kind of website for Christian promiscuity." --Rambo

"The NASTIEST thing would be if you were a guy attracted only to dead male puppies."--Michael H.

Interterm Madness!

"I've got pooh on my underwear!"--Emily M.

"It's okay, baby.  I've got protection."--Jess referring to her mouth guard

"Our goal is to create the most 'exceptional' children in the world."--Justin

"If I had to make love to a spoon, this is the spoon it would be."--Justin

"If they were goldfish that LOOKED like elephants..."--Jack (about wanting an elephant for a pet in the dorms)

"Ski mask toaster bit you!"--Jess

"I am convinced the devil is a French man"--Jeremy L.

"Joe, are you drunk?"

"Whatever makes you look better."--Joe L.

"I looked like I was peeing on Eric Moss for 10 minutes"--Jess

"Greenville rolls up it's sidewalk at 6 O'Clock."--Dan

"You're not anal retentive, hon.  Your butthole is so loose."--Amelia to Justin

"Back rubs and the opposite sex are like hot tubs and beer.  They should NOT go together--it doubles the reaction."--Andy S.

"If you were in a horror movie, you'd be eaten."--Lauren to Jeff

"I don't ever want to have sex.  I just want to eat meat."--Lauren

"I will picture Eric as an ugly woman in a trash red dress with a fro and stuff stuck in it.  He's also got to have blue eyeshadow, dollar store lipstick and big saggy boobs"--Jess

"with a kid hanging from each one."--Amelia

"Would everyone who's circumcised move to this side of the room, and everyone who's uncircumcised move to that side of the room.  Norm Hall will come around to take pictures."--Amelia

"You shouldn't wear a speedo in the hot tub anyway."--Brandon H.

"It wasn't supposed to look like a severed head."--Wendi

"If someone steals my clothes, I'll probably talk to them too."--Josh A.

"Jack did someone put a razor blade in your glass again?"--Jess

"Wow!  I think it's weird that you only have 3 nipples"--Jeremy L.

 

"If you spell of um backwards, it's mo fo."--Thomas

"Jesus is a phallic symbol."--Eric

 

"There's stuff all over the floor and I don't seem to care."--Jack pretending to be Eric

"All you have to do is pull out the Krammit."--Thomas

"Well, I have to urinate like a billygoat."--Thomas

"I have to go to Rum flavoring anonymous."--Ash

"When we all get older, we should all live in the same restroom together."--Amber (meaning rest home).

"Jesus actually had a fro--he was homeboy Jesus."--Justin

"What Christians have to realize is that there are breasts in the world and some of them are naked."--Dr. Boyd

 

"You've been tag-teamed by two flaming caterpillars."--Jess

"Ugliness is the unforgivable sin."--Mandi

"Beware the ether bunny"--Jeremy L.

"I would not want Michael Jackson in my wallet."--Thomas

Stress+finals+lack of sleep= what you see here

"There's a dumb hat on my tray"--Amber (about an upside-down ice cream cone)

"This is your brain.  This is your brain on a dumb hat."--James

"I want to name my first son Homosasis Pubitus."--Mike H.

"He's on my poop star list right now."--Jess

"We are the Scotsmen who say 'Baa!'"--Thomas

"Beth is not a leg of mutton."--Jack

"Kristin, don't chicks dig strong armpit muscles?"--David S.

"I always know who I'm eating."--Mary N.

"He's moving 'cause he's like 'I've gotta get Jesus some more diapers.  There's no rest for Joseph.'"--Thomas 

"Do you dream of Mozart whipping you?"--Jess

"That's like Diarrhea in your head all day long."--Seth

"Baby Jesus is gonna be in the movie.  Why would there be a gratuitous sex scene?"--Lauren

"Especially not with that bald haired guy over there."--Jess

"Eric, you're like a big, cuddly sex offender."--Jeremy L. 

"Don't say 'naked ladies, naked ladies, naked ladies,' and then don't show us any naked ladies."--Dr. Shaw

"My head is quite fragrant."--Amelia

"Someday when your nose is flat like this, a boy will come along and sweep you off your nose."--Amelia to Cassie

"Their hands were not predestined to touch my girlfriend's butt."--Justin

"I am your muslim girlfriend.  You may kiss me, but only through the veil."--Amelia

"I'm just not feeling the love from the men lately."--Jess

"The new hoover vacuum--it sucks more than you."--Aaron

"That's like saying he's the ugly version of the elephant man."--Jeff

"At least if I freeze and die, I'm going to heaven."--Amber

Some professor Quotes from Fall 2000

"Can someone email me and remind me about satan?"--Prof. Ruth Huston

"I'll call him up and have him email you."--Justin

"Let's take a detour with Satan!"--Prof. Ruth Huston

"Don't get tacos on my couch!"--Dr. Shaw

Awkwardness

"You'd 'pick up' a girl at Dairy Queen?"--Trisha

"Hey.  That's where they treat you right."--Jeremy

"Don't put off till tomorrow what you can pretend to do today."--Jack

"Boys on the side...of my barn"--??(from a list of 17 titles rejected for 'Twister')

"Yeah, I'm pretty much a-sexual."--Trisha

"Thomas is my favorite caveman"--Jeremy L.

"I have many opportunities to work for Microsoft because of my ice cream cone making skills."--Brian

"I always thought that was an odd name--Mr. McFEELY."--Jeremy L.

"I guess making out at the table is bad etiquette."--James

"with your boss."--Jack

"I pretty much lust after anything that moves or breathes"--Jeremy L.

"Your head doesn't go there.  That's a big bozo no-no."--Cassie

"He's got bigger breasts than I do, and that's just scary.  Then he'd walk out in just his underwear..."--Jess

"Every part of the female form looks like it's supposed to be there.  With us, it's just like...this THING."--Jeff

"My brother peed on my a couple of times"--Jeremy L.

"Something is shooting out of my dog!"--Jess

"Jesus would have had sex in church if he was married."--Eric

"I like Florida because it makes the United States look like it's peeing on Cuba."--Eric

"We should praise God for giving us the ability to poop because it's fun!"--Eric

"Thank God for giving us computers we can use on the crapper."--Jeff

"Can I touch your Uvula?" --Jeff

"Conform, dang it!"--Jack

Battle of the Sexes at dinner

"Your purpose is to be God's inter-galatical joke."--Trisha to Jeremy.

"Blood tastes like metal bars."--Lyndsey

"You have no room to talk, Mr. 'my town smells like wretched quaker oats'."--Trisha to Ben

"No (the quad cities) aren't horrid, but one in three people carry the plague."--Jeremy

"O that I had a Uterus!  I would sell my eggs!"--Jeremy

"We'd all make ugly women."--Jeremy talking to a co-ed group

"Homosexuality is the solution to all life's problems."--Trisha paraphrasing Jeremy

"I mooned President Mannoia."--Thomas (jokingly)

"The time J.J. dressed in drag, I have to admit, I found him more attractive as a women."--Lauren

"Sex is a lot like air.  It only matters when you're not getting any."--Jeff

"Guys why am I so retarded?"--??

"That's the way God made you."--Clint

"No, Tom.  You can't major in Necrophilia."--Dan

"It sounds so different in my head."--Dan