Some professor Quotes from Fall 2000

"Can someone email me and remind me about satan?"--Prof. Ruth Huston

"I'll call him up and have him email you."--Justin

"Let's take a detour with Satan!"--Prof. Ruth Huston

"Don't get tacos on my couch!"--Dr. Shaw

Awkwardness

"You'd 'pick up' a girl at Dairy Queen?"--Trisha

"Hey.  That's where they treat you right."--Jeremy

"Don't put off till tomorrow what you can pretend to do today."--Jack

"Boys on the side...of my barn"--??(from a list of 17 titles rejected for 'Twister')

"Yeah, I'm pretty much a-sexual."--Trisha

"Thomas is my favorite caveman"--Jeremy L.

"I have many opportunities to work for Microsoft because of my ice cream cone making skills."--Brian

"I always thought that was an odd name--Mr. McFEELY."--Jeremy L.

"I guess making out at the table is bad etiquette."--James

"with your boss."--Jack

"I pretty much lust after anything that moves or breathes"--Jeremy L.

"Your head doesn't go there.  That's a big bozo no-no."--Cassie

"He's got bigger breasts than I do, and that's just scary.  Then he'd walk out in just his underwear..."--Jess

"Every part of the female form looks like it's supposed to be there.  With us, it's just like...this THING."--Jeff

"My brother peed on my a couple of times"--Jeremy L.

"Something is shooting out of my dog!"--Jess

"Jesus would have had sex in church if he was married."--Eric

"I like Florida because it makes the United States look like it's peeing on Cuba."--Eric

"We should praise God for giving us the ability to poop because it's fun!"--Eric

"Thank God for giving us computers we can use on the crapper."--Jeff

"Can I touch your Uvula?" --Jeff

"Conform, dang it!"--Jack

Battle of the Sexes at dinner

"Your purpose is to be God's inter-galatical joke."--Trisha to Jeremy.

"Blood tastes like metal bars."--Lyndsey

"You have no room to talk, Mr. 'my town smells like wretched quaker oats'."--Trisha to Ben

"No (the quad cities) aren't horrid, but one in three people carry the plague."--Jeremy

"O that I had a Uterus!  I would sell my eggs!"--Jeremy

"We'd all make ugly women."--Jeremy talking to a co-ed group

"Homosexuality is the solution to all life's problems."--Trisha paraphrasing Jeremy

"I mooned President Mannoia."--Thomas (jokingly)

"The time J.J. dressed in drag, I have to admit, I found him more attractive as a women."--Lauren

"Sex is a lot like air.  It only matters when you're not getting any."--Jeff

"Guys why am I so retarded?"--??

"That's the way God made you."--Clint

"No, Tom.  You can't major in Necrophilia."--Dan

"It sounds so different in my head."--Dan

Strange things overheard...

"AAAHHHH! someone is pooping in my ear!"--Mike, as a horrible song came on the radio

"Brian, is that how you get women?"--Andy

"Me?  I don't get women."--Brian

"I just touched your leg and I'm not into that tonight."--Maggie

"Oh yeah?  Well I thought you were gay when I first met you."--Lauren to Mike

"What's more important--tampons or God?"--Matt

"That's not as cute as I thought it was.  I liked it better without the face sucking."--Maggie

"Life's it's own foot."--Mike (about poetry)

"He's getting old.  He's probably a pedophile by now."--David H.

"If you grabbed other men's genitals, you'd be from Michigan."--Jess

"Christians are the horniest people EVER."--Wendi

"Speaking of going to the bathroom, I learned a new trick."--Eric

"What's with people spitting their gum in the urinals?"--Jack

"She was a hooker--but I don't think she was naked."--Dr. Shaw

"He's my adopted twin brother."--Joe

"Joe, I love you."--Amber

"I love me too."--Joe

"I'm so happy, I could moon someone."--Cassie

"Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as chicken."--Amber

"Oh my gosh!  It says 'poop' in Japanese!"--Thomas

"My entire life is a hyperbole."--Emily

Ah, the things you hear in a girl's dorm early in the morning

"Nothing wakes you up in the morning like the feeling of hard nipples."--Emily paraphrasing Lauren.

"We started kissing.  Then I saw orange.  Then I woke up."--Jess

"Put THAT in your quote book and smoke it!"--Lauren

"Tova's wearing her little work costume!"--Lauren

More disturbing dinner conversations

"Sex is a lot like Pizza.  When it's good, it's REALLY good.  When it's bad, it's still pretty good."--Jeff

"If I have diarrhea, I'm going to make my wife hold my hand."--Daniel, on what a wimp he is. 

"Eric, I don't want you coming home pregnant."--Jack (Eric's roommate)

"So you want to be a millionaire?--Maybe.  I don't know, but it conflicts with my schedule."--Eric about the television show

"I need some protein.  Becky, can I eat your hair?"--Eric

"I don't think I'd sodomize myself."--Eric, meaning to say 'soil.'

"They're a few bricks short of a happy meal."--Chip

"Oh no!  That would involve me humping people!"--Thomas (about pretending to be Mr. Peepers)

"Put gel in your knuckle hair--come on!  all the guys are doing it."--Jack

"God gave us a great big universe.  It's like a gigantic play toy with no instructions.  We're bound to break it sometime."--Jeff

This one night...at dinner...

"It was like skinny dipping only I was wearing all my clothes and sitting at a table"--Lauren about someone's spit-take

"Guys, when did I get tuberculosis?"--Lauren

"Half Baked Jeremy--did he get his Liz Claybourne hat back?"--Jack

"I don't think I normally go out and get a butt tan--I don't think my butt has ever seen the light of day."--Thomas

"I don't ever speak up in senate because everyone is like 'I'm a moron!  Listen to me!'"--Thomas

"My new rule for sex offenders is 3 strikes and it's off--mandatory castration for offenders."--Lauren